Learn From Love Lost

Introduction

Breakups are undeniably painful whether we’re the ones initiating them or on the receiving end. Some of us cling to the hope that things might be restored, holding onto illusions that only prolong our suffering. But I’d like to remind you that true healing isn’t found in revisiting what was lost or imagining endless “what ifs”; true healing begins when we look to Jesus.

The Pain of Love Lost

Breakups can leave a profound emotional impact. They often bring feelings of grief, loneliness, and a deep sense of inadequacy. You might find yourself clinging to the fragments of what once was, trying to understand what went wrong, and wondering if things could have turned out differently. These feelings, while natural, can easily lead us into a cycle of clinging to false hope—a hope that keeps us tethered to a relationship that is no longer there.

The Illusion of False Hope

False hope gets us nowhere because it is built on uncertainty and wishful thinking. In these moments, I think it’s common for us to ask these questions:

Did I make the right decision? Could I have done more? What if they change? Will I ever find someone else? Was I not enough?

These questions, though tempting to dwell on, only keep you trapped in the past. They prevent you from genuinely healing and embracing the future God has planned for you. 

Clinging to uncertainties is like carrying a blade by its edge—the tighter you grip, the deeper it cuts. Rather than fixating yourself on the uncertainties of the future, move forward by holding on to that which is already made certain.

The Love of Jesus

If there is one thing that’s certain, it’s the love of Jesus. Unlike human love that will always, always fail, Jesus’ love is constant. Do you know what God says about His love?

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

“Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the clouds” (Psalm 36:5). 

“It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed” (Deuteronomy 31:8). 

Friend, the love of Jesus is never-ending. Nothing can separate you from His love. His love is never changing because that’s just who He is. God is love (1 John 4:16).

The Lessons I've Learned

I don’t doubt many of us have gone through a breakup before, but I’d like to share some insight from my own personal experience that can hopefully shed some light and wisdom for us all.

There May Be a Sense of Love

Our first serious relationships will probably carry a bittersweet feeling. Someone once told me that there would be a sense of love for our first, and I think they’re right. It’s not the kind of love that’s romantic anymore (though it can be), but rather the kind that genuinely cares for their life and well-being. 

Why? Because they were the first to teach us valuable lessons about love, trust, patience, and vulnerability—lessons that will eventually shape how we navigate future relationships. Even though the romantic aspect may fade in some circumstances, the impact of their presence remains.

Love Is More Than A Feeling

Love is not just a feeling or a splurge of romantic words. It's not about having a “good chemistry” with the other person (although that’s really important). No, friend. Love is also an action. Love is self-less. Love is putting the other person’s needs above your own. 

Love, in simplest terms, is an action of seeing someone emotionally and spiritually, serving them and their needs, and appreciating them and their victories. Love will make someone feel seen and known. That’s what love does. 

I think Christ is the perfect example of love. He laid down His life for us even though we never deserved it. He did not count His equality with God a thing to be grasped. He didn’t hold His position, title, or place of reverence to His advantage. No. He laid those things aside and washed the feet of lowly sinners. He knew His disciples (and us) would sin and betray Him, yet He died for us and is preparing a place for us in the Father’s house (Romans 5:8; John 14:3). 

We ought to love as He has loved us (1 John 4:19).

Not Yet Married

I think it's worth noting here that dating is nowhere mentioned in the Bible, but that doesn’t mean that it’s prohibited. While we may not find direct principles regarding modern dating, we can draw wisdom and implications from the examples of singleness and marriage in Scripture. These examples can provide valuable insight on how to approach relationships with a focus on God’s design for love, commitment, and the sanctity of marriage.

Let me first say that dating does not grant a person the privileges that are solely reserved for marriage. The most obvious is sex. However, for some people, actions even like kissing, handholding, or full hugs are not permissible in dating relationships. I might differ in some areas to an extent, but I can see why these things can be dangerous when done outside of wedlock. 

Kissing, handholding, and full hugs can create a lingering emotional attachment. These actions are gradually cultivating a sense of oneness—a unity of two individuals.

Now, what happens when the relationship doesn’t work out as we intended it to? Maybe due to irreconcilable differences, barriers of long distance, or a violation of trust and faithfulness? 

Whatever the reason, when we fully invest ourselves emotionally in a dating relationship, and then experience a breakup, that lingering emotional attachment will be devastating. It will hurt deeply and leave scars that take a tremendous amount of time to heal. 

The emotional bond we form can make letting go feel nearly impossible. And sometimes, it may indicate that we’ve crossed a boundary between God and ourselves—namely, that we’ve sinned. 

Kelvin, what do you mean? I think we often treat dating relationships as an avenue towards marriage. Now, read carefully what I’m saying here because I’m not saying we shouldn’t aim for marriage in our dating. I think we’re missing the bigger picture.

My friend once told me that her ultimate goal in dating was for God’s glory, not marriage. At first when I heard this, I was genuinely confused. It wasn’t the kind of rhetoric I was used to hearing. But when I thought about it more, it made sense.

Marriage is not the ultimate goal of dating; God’s glory is. 

Ask yourself: If your relationship wasn’t God-glorifying—maybe you touched each other inappropriately, traveled alone together, slept together, or lived together—what is truly your goal? Is marriage really your focus, and is God's glory your priority?

Because what you’ve done might not be honoring to Him. Perhaps, you were already acting like you were married without the commitment, covenant, and responsibility that marriage entails.

So, what makes us think God would bless a marriage that hasn’t sought to honor and glorify Him from the start? True commitment to one another begins with glorifying Jesus in every single aspect of the relationship, not just in the pursuit of marriage.

Sometimes, to an extent, it might glorify God for us to get married as soon as possible if all we have is “burning passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). And sometimes, it might even glorify Him for us to break up because we were not serving one another faithfully to be conformed into the image of Jesus. 

The key of dating is not about our own desires or timelines, but whether our relationship reflects His will, glorifies His name, and aligns with His purpose for us as individuals. Our priority should always be to glorify God first.

Pursuing Healing

Maybe you're going through a breakup right now, looking for ways to move forward. It’s important to know that moving on is only done by moving through. 

Process Everything

When I share practical applications, I usually try to avoid starting with “don’t do this” or “don’t do that.” However, for this topic, I think it’s necessary.

DON'T check your former partner's social media to see what they’re up to. Refrain from asking the "what if" questions. They are no longer a part of your life. Each time you do these things, you’re only causing yourself more pain. We are not called to constant monitoring—it will only breed anxiety.

DON'T rush into another relationship. It’s not healthy for you or the other person involved. We often realize later—once fully healed—that we were never truly interested in the other person. They may have simply been a "rebound"—someone we leaned on to fill the aching hole of loneliness. The last thing you want is to hurt someone else while you’re still trying to heal.

Rather, cry out to Jesus. Take the time to process with the Lord what you feel, allowing yourself to grieve and reflect on what worked and what didn’t in the relationship. Ask yourself what glorified God and what didn't. Process with Jesus in prayer.

As you’re working through those emotions and reflections, cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). Anxiety has no place here, friend. The God of all grace will restore you. He will confirm you. He will strengthen you. And He will establish you (1 Peter 5:10). 

Find Community

You can’t do this alone. If you’ve read my other blogs, I might sound like a broken record here, but I absolutely mean it. You can’t do this alone! 

Find a community of Jesus-loving and Bible-believing friends. They will pray over you, support you, and encourage you in ways you may not expect. They will also speak truth into your life, even when it's not what you want to hear—but it will be good for your soul. Surrounding yourself with people who point you back to Jesus is essential for healing and growth.

Seek Jesus

Open His Word and listen to what He says to you. Yield yourself to what the Holy Spirit might be teaching you at this very moment. Reorient yourself to believe again that Jesus is your first love. He has not abandoned you. And He never will.

Though you might not feel worthy of anything, our God so graciously calls you His own. He accepts you, embraces you, and understands you far better than you might think. Seek His face and remember who you are to Him, for He calls you beloved, friend, child of God, forgiven, and redeemed. (Romans 9:25; John 15:15; 1 John 3:1; Psalm 103:12; Colossians 1:13-14).

Friend, we find our worth in Jesus. We find our worth in Jesus.

Conclusion

You may not fully understand the pain you’re experiencing right now, but I want to assure you that God is not against you—He is for you. There will be days when the reasons behind what happened remain unclear, but everything serves a purpose. Often, it’s to remind us of something we tend to forget: Jesus is our true first love.

He calls you back to Him because only He knows how to heal you. Only He understands you.

As you move forward with the lessons learned from lost love, remember that it’s all for His glory—whether you’re in a relationship or not. Seek His glory, not your own desires or timelines. Seek His face, not your own temporary distractions.

Let me leave you with a quote I heard at Passion 2025 from Jackie Hill Perry: 

“As you wait, will you love Him? If He never removes the thorn, will you stay? If He does not answer the prayer you think you need, will you still hope in Him? … With misplaced hope, you will always miss God.”